You are angry, very angry.
But you had every right to be. You never expected that you will end up in this
conundrum. This is the type of conundrum one spends a whole life avoiding. But
then, life is what it is, LIFE!!!.
You have never been this angry about thing in all of your adult life. And you
can’t seem to move past it. You have made up your mind and it wasn’t going to
change.
You are hurting, hurting really
deeply. You are not the emotional type; issues hardly get to you. You have
mastered your emotions as such that all is always fine. But this isn’t fine. No
one has a right to hurt anyone this deeply and take away that little happiness
you have. Happiness supposedly comes from within they say. But then what
happens when that little light of happiness is taken out by a selfish
conception of someone who is meant to love you? Worse, you are not exactly the
happy person by nature; you have a little phleg in your personality. She has hurt
you and taken away the little happiness you had. You could never forgive her. This
you know almost beyond doubt.
You see, you are
unforgiving when you are hurt deeply. This they do not know. They expect time
to heal these wounds; they expect you should act normally like nothing is
wrong. You vehemently disagree that time will heal such deep rooted hurt, anger
and probably hatred. Strong words to use, you muttered quietly but quite
frankly it’s the way you feel.
You asked yourself if this
will all matter in 5 or 10 years’ time. Your response was in the affirmative.
The truth is this has altered your life plans beyond your expectation. You are
still struggling with the aftermath of this. You will probably still be dealing
with it in next 5 or 10 years’ time. This saddens you the more.
Your friends don’t
understand the situation and wave it off that you are weirdo. It’s more painful
when you have no one to share your pains with. You have tears in your eyes as
you write this. You wipe this away and force a smile. It’s the New Year’s Day.
The second or third holidays you are spending alone. No one understands why.
It’s definitely not by design.
Your hurting has pushed you
to seek for attention and distraction in a lot of wrong places. You had become
this person you were not sure you knew. You could hardly recognize yourself in
some actions or decisions. You had become impulsive in your personal life. You
looked for liminal happiness everywhere you could. You had become a lackluster
version of you.
You see, you know that life
is a chain of events; a chain of interconnected events more related than humanity
will like to believe or accept. One of your philosophies to life has always
been that any action will bring an equal and sometimes elevated reaction. This you
reflected on in your supine state as you recap on mostly uninspiring happenings
in the past year. To be honest, you didn’t
have a lot of inspiring moments in the past year apart from meeting this
wonderful friend who was quite supportive.
You knew the actions and
elevated reactions that brought you here. You knew the wrong actions you took
and the elevated reactions from her that degenerated into the current
conundrum. You see, it had all started with her, her highhandedness, her
contrived meddlesomeness, her sheer hypocrisy and her ever demanding control.
You had always had some
form of reservation for her. This they do not know. Six years ago when you didn’t
speak to her for over six months for a lesser misdemeanor, you figured you were
capable of never speaking to her for a life time if pushed. You were not
banking on any happenstance to push you to make that decision. It had always
been rough between you and her. You never liked what she represented. She was the
most hypocritical person you knew.
Her hypocrisy had been part
of the reason why you never stepped into church for over eight years. You questioned
every pedestal religion rested on. You questioned God and his existence. You
went from being an atheist to being an agnostic during the period. You are
still questioning religion and its impact on humanity till now. You actually
think that religion has now become this contrivance religious leaders use to
scam unknowing worshippers. But then, this is a discussion for another time.
Truth be told, you figured she
probably loves you. But you are not sure you care for you believe that if someone
truly loves you, they will want you to be happy and support your decision. Instead,
she has taken the little happiness you had. You are certain she will be quoting
some mundane spiritual attack as responsible for a problem she caused and that
could have been averted long before now.
You are more beleaguered that
not a single one of them could tell her the hard truth as glaring as it is.
They keep saying you need to handle her with care. However, what you hear is we
are scared of her and her trouble; hence you are on your own. You are more disappointed
in him and you told him same for he handled the situation with the same scared
mindset. He handled the situation in a way someone you respected the most wouldn’t.
That respect has since gone with the winds. You see en, this thing lies very
deep and you know it.
2017 was probably the most challenging
year for you in all ramifications; you dealt with long standing personal
issues, you lost a great friend, you learnt that the most supportive person may
not necessarily be related by blood; you learnt that having a bad landlord is
like having a bad migraine that never goes away. You didn’t grow much in 2017
neither did you write or read much. This you intend to change. You also think it’s time
to get a bit involved in social programs and politics.
Cheers to the New Year.
Foye.