Transitioning…….......

It’s been about four months and that thing they say about being away from home was biting. Biting really hard. You find yourself looking for something familiar, something that resonates with home to hold on to. Nobody ever says how lonely it might get here. 

You convince yourself the umpteenth time that you didn’t miss home. There was nothing much to miss; you say. In the last three years, you had lived your life in way you could up and leave without any commitments. It had not always been like that when there was a woman in your life. However, since things took the downward spiral, you had avoided any form of commitment. Maybe that will change soon. 

The few female friends around you couldn’t understand why you were mostly unavailable emotionally or otherwise. In fact, only very few close people knew when you decided to up and leave. Even fewer understand why. 

Transitioning hadn’t been your plan from the outset. You always had one thing or the other ongoing back home at every point in time. Of all your close friends, you were the least expected to move and the last to do so. You were at least five years late to the party and it wasn’t exactly a palatable realization. You were starting all over – probably why it wasn’t an option you wanted to explore initially. But somehow it became part of a bigger plan.

You didn’t leave a lot behind besides an academic commitment which you are now struggling to keep. You tell yourself it’s one of the things that will make it all worth the while if you complete it. But you are struggling. Struggling hard. Even while back home, you were struggling. Your job gave you no space or time. But it was one of the things you truly wanted, truly desired and truly want to see completed. Silently, you hope you have not fumbled on that. 

Few days ago, you made the first Nigerian meal. Two packs of original indomie noodles pack with two boiled egg. It was your bachelor’s starter pack back home. You relished it with so much gusto. You haven’t had a Naija meal since you got here besides some dodo and egg stew meal you had at a close friend’s sisters home when you and your friend went visiting. You figured eating something familiar is definitely a good thing. You’d be making your second meal today. 

You find that the black stereotype still exists here despite the multicultural society of your city. On a downtown bound bus ride one Thursday afternoon, you brought a book along to read on the bus. You do this quite frequently when the bus ride will be long. Few minutes into reading, you see an older Caucasian woman staring at you with a “How come this black guy is reading a book. And on a bus” question plastered to her face. 

On another bus ride, it was an Indian woman with the same questioning expression on her face. You just couldn’t understand. You miss reading on bus rides now. 

Another time, it was older Caucasian man walking his dog who stopped in his tracks while you were walking ahead of him. Why? it was 6.30am and you had stopped suddenly to lace your shoes. You were on your way to campus with a cup of Tim Hortons coffee in hand. This older man stopped and wouldn’t move until you started walking again. You wondered what kind of criminal will have a cup of coffee with him at 6.30am. Next morning, same man and his dog will see you as you alighted from your car after parking and will give you a nod. You simply nodded back. 

You have started to get weary of people asking for your traditional African name. All your life, you have answered to an English name officially. Only family typically called you your traditional name. Yet some random guy here will question “why are you not bearing your traditional name” as if you were catfishing. You find that this only happens when you meet some random black guy probably of African origin. You made a mental note to avoid such ignorant conversation in the future.

The ongoing and rather humongous scandal of Nigerians crossing the border to declare asylum doesn’t do much for an already battered average Nigerian image. These days you hardly introduce yourself as a Nigerian unless totally necessary. In four months, you have observed how expressions and attitudes change when the word “Nigeria” rolls out. However, subtle or masked, the change in expression is always there. The average North American never wants to sound or look offensive even if he is. Some hypocrisy in there if you ask me. 

It’s funny how some of our age long prejudices are basically a result of our experiences. In just three months, you had let go of one of your misconceived prejudices about women who wear nose ring or with extra ear piercings. You just never liked it – you felt it was too outlandish. Would you date a woman who wears a nose ring now? Maybe not yet, but you’d go out with her. Few months back, you probably wouldn’t even saunter into a conversation with a woman with nose ring or with extra ear piercings.

Foye.

Ps. Decisions are hard to make. Making a big change even makes it harder to decide on. You recall how much you deliberated while deciding to transition. You realize now that you unconsciously go through a big change every other five years. You are already looking forward to the next big change.

ON BELEAGUERED THOUGHTS....

You are angry, very angry. But you had every right to be. You never expected that you will end up in this conundrum. This is the type of conundrum one spends a whole life avoiding. But then, life is what it is, LIFE!!!. You have never been this angry about thing in all of your adult life. And you can’t seem to move past it. You have made up your mind and it wasn’t going to change.

You are hurting, hurting really deeply. You are not the emotional type; issues hardly get to you. You have mastered your emotions as such that all is always fine. But this isn’t fine. No one has a right to hurt anyone this deeply and take away that little happiness you have. Happiness supposedly comes from within they say. But then what happens when that little light of happiness is taken out by a selfish conception of someone who is meant to love you? Worse, you are not exactly the happy person by nature; you have a little phleg in your personality. She has hurt you and taken away the little happiness you had. You could never forgive her. This you know almost beyond doubt.

You see, you are unforgiving when you are hurt deeply. This they do not know. They expect time to heal these wounds; they expect you should act normally like nothing is wrong. You vehemently disagree that time will heal such deep rooted hurt, anger and probably hatred. Strong words to use, you muttered quietly but quite frankly it’s the way you feel.

You asked yourself if this will all matter in 5 or 10 years’ time. Your response was in the affirmative. The truth is this has altered your life plans beyond your expectation. You are still struggling with the aftermath of this. You will probably still be dealing with it in next 5 or 10 years’ time. This saddens you the more.

Your friends don’t understand the situation and wave it off that you are weirdo. It’s more painful when you have no one to share your pains with. You have tears in your eyes as you write this. You wipe this away and force a smile. It’s the New Year’s Day. The second or third holidays you are spending alone. No one understands why. It’s definitely not by design.

Your hurting has pushed you to seek for attention and distraction in a lot of wrong places. You had become this person you were not sure you knew. You could hardly recognize yourself in some actions or decisions. You had become impulsive in your personal life. You looked for liminal happiness everywhere you could. You had become a lackluster version of you.

You see, you know that life is a chain of events; a chain of interconnected events more related than humanity will like to believe or accept. One of your philosophies to life has always been that any action will bring an equal and sometimes elevated reaction. This you reflected on in your supine state as you recap on mostly uninspiring happenings in the past year.  To be honest, you didn’t have a lot of inspiring moments in the past year apart from meeting this wonderful friend who was quite supportive.

You knew the actions and elevated reactions that brought you here. You knew the wrong actions you took and the elevated reactions from her that degenerated into the current conundrum. You see, it had all started with her, her highhandedness, her contrived meddlesomeness, her sheer hypocrisy and her ever demanding control.

You had always had some form of reservation for her. This they do not know. Six years ago when you didn’t speak to her for over six months for a lesser misdemeanor, you figured you were capable of never speaking to her for a life time if pushed. You were not banking on any happenstance to push you to make that decision. It had always been rough between you and her. You never liked what she represented. She was the most hypocritical person you knew.

Her hypocrisy had been part of the reason why you never stepped into church for over eight years. You questioned every pedestal religion rested on. You questioned God and his existence. You went from being an atheist to being an agnostic during the period. You are still questioning religion and its impact on humanity till now. You actually think that religion has now become this contrivance religious leaders use to scam unknowing worshippers. But then, this is a discussion for another time.

Truth be told, you figured she probably loves you. But you are not sure you care for you believe that if someone truly loves you, they will want you to be happy and support your decision. Instead, she has taken the little happiness you had. You are certain she will be quoting some mundane spiritual attack as responsible for a problem she caused and that could have been averted long before now.

You are more beleaguered that not a single one of them could tell her the hard truth as glaring as it is. They keep saying you need to handle her with care. However, what you hear is we are scared of her and her trouble; hence you are on your own. You are more disappointed in him and you told him same for he handled the situation with the same scared mindset. He handled the situation in a way someone you respected the most wouldn’t. That respect has since gone with the winds. You see en, this thing lies very deep and you know it.

2017 was probably the most challenging year for you in all ramifications; you dealt with long standing personal issues, you lost a great friend, you learnt that the most supportive person may not necessarily be related by blood; you learnt that having a bad landlord is like having a bad migraine that never goes away. You didn’t grow much in 2017 neither did you write or read much. This you intend to change. You also think it’s time to get a bit involved in social programs and politics.

Cheers to the New Year.

Foye.